


Penance

by Aeris444



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Daddy Issues, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 13:07:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2192916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeris444/pseuds/Aeris444
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur knew he was the only one to blame. He had been the one to break up with Merlin. He had been the one unable to go against his father’s principles so he was just getting what he deserved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Penance

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [](http://derenai.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://derenai.livejournal.com/)**derenai** for the beta reading!

Arthur knew he was the only one to blame. He had been the one to break up with Merlin. He had been the one unable to go against his father’s principles so he was just getting what he deserved.

Since Merlin had left Arthur hadn’t spent an hour without thinking about him. He remembered his smile and his laugh, the way he was biting his lips when he was stressed, the softness of his skin, his cheerfulness and how he was totally unable to cook anything without burning half of the kitchen. All his quirks that made him so extraordinary were now like knives stabbing Arthur repeatedly.

In the last week, Arthur had continued his life. He had gone to work, had met his Father for their Wednesday lunch, had played football with his mates, had done some shopping. Though, he had never been alone for a moment. The feeling of the empty space Merlin had left in his life had never left Arthur for even a second.

Of course, he had managed to think about something else for a moment, to distract himself with work though it never lasted long. In this small instant of respite, the ache was dull, just like a weight over his heart. Something that was there but that could be forgotten.

Though, the sadness always came back.

Sometimes, it was like a void in his chest. He had this feeling he would end up being aspired by this black hole.

At other times, it was more like a slow fire burning inside his body. A fire he was doing everything to keep at bay even if he knew it would become a blaze.

And when Arthur let himself be drown in his feelings, it was like a tormented sea. Overcoming him, barely letting him take a breath between the waves of sorrow.

Of course, Arthur knew he could find ways to soothe the grief. Alcohol… Sex…Drugs… He didn’t even think about it. He deserved to suffer. It was his punishment for having broken Merlin’s heart.

Arthur regretted deeply what he had done. The tears on Merlin’s cheeks and the pain showing on his whole body were still vivid in Arthur’s mind. At that moment, he had managed to remain impassible, convinced that he was doing the good thing. It hadn’t lasted and when he had woken up the next day and found his flat empty of all Merlin’s belongings, he had just felt his heart break in a million tiny pieces.

He could have tried to talk to Merlin, to apologize, to ask for forgiveness but what he had done and said was unforgivable.

_“I’m sorry Merlin but I need to settle in my life and… I clearly can’t do this and be a respectable man if I keep dating people like you.”_

_“People like me? Gay, you mean?”_

_“Yes… I was wrongly convinced it was a respectable way of life but…_

_“Do you mean I’m not respectable? That our… my sexual preferences make me unworthy of your respect?”_

_“You don’t understand Merlin! I can’t keep going on… I can’t keep lying to myself if I want to be really happy.”_

_“But… I thought you were happy with me?” Merlin’s body shook under the shock._

_“Merlin, don’t make it harder than it his… We both know it’s for the best!”_

_“For the best? For whose best? For the best of your father!!” Anger had now replaced sadness on Merlin’s face._

_“My father has nothing to do in this!” Arthur had lied._

They had kept arguing for what had seemed like hours for Arthur. He had hated hurting Merlin. How could he have been convinced he was doing a good thing when he was doing harm to such a kind man as Merlin?

The same thoughts were invading Arthur’s mind for days and he still hadn’t found a satisfying answer. He had always wanted to impress and please his father, following his path, hoping to inherit Camelot Inc. one day. He had thought becoming the CEO of the company, marrying a gentle and submissive wife who would give him beautiful children was the way to achieve happiness.

He wasn’t so sure of it anymore. Merlin had been right. Arthur was happy with him. That hadn’t prevented him to be a coward and follow his father’s orders again. When his father had told him he wanted Arthur to meet the daughter of one of his work relations, Arthur had tried to refuse, finally confessing that he was seeing someone for nearly a year, a man.

That’s when everything went downhill. His father had lectured him about the right way to live his life and to become a responsible and respectable man. He had told him it was okay to fool around for some time but that it was now time to settle down and make his father proud of him.

Uther had carefully chosen his words and had managed to convince Arthur that what he felt for Merlin wasn’t love but just the giddy feeling of doing something wrong.

Perhaps Arthur wouldn’t have been so easily influenced if he had told anybody about this but he hadn’t really any friend close enough to talk about his love life.

His best friend had been Merlin. He hadn’t talked to his sister for ten years after she’d decided she didn’t want to have anything to do with her father anymore. He hadn’t told Leon, his childhood friend, about Merlin because he was afraid Leon would tell Uther about it. He had stopped seeing Lance, his Uni flatmate, two years ago when Lance has told him he was letting his father dictate him his life – Arthur had just refused a wonderful work opportunity to follow his father’s orders. He had gotten well with Merlin’s friends but they weren’t his friends.

He was alone now. He only had  his work, his penthouse, his car and a well-filled bank account. None of it comforted him at night when guilt and grief were suffocating him.

As the day passed by, the pain didn’t receded and Arthur was more and more convinced he had let his only chance to by truly happy pass and the grief was his penance.

***

What Arthur didn’t know was that, in his small flat, Merlin was feeling as hurt and alone. Even if he had friends and family to comfort him, their words were useless against his pain.

He too was convinced the suffering would never disappear. He too was feeling that void in his chest every time he thought about Arthur.

What Arthur didn’t know was that Merlin understood him better than he thought and was ready to forgive him everything.

What Arthur didn’t know was that his penance was nothing more than an ordeal on his way to happiness.


End file.
